Update

Hello, friends!

Okay, I'm not going to lie to you; I have purposely delayed writing this update.  Mostly because I had to live out the roller coaster of emotions in real life before I could lay it out before you here.  

As some of you know, we received an e-mail from the adoption agency several weeks ago explaining that Gregory's region had temporarily suspended American adoptions pending presidential elections and new adoption treaty ratification.  The agency believed that the country would accept dossiers again by the end of the month.  I did not worry about this for two reasons:

1.  It was a short closure.

2.  I believe in God's good and PERFECT timing.

It's easy to trust in the Lord when you think you can see the end of the tunnel...

Two weeks later the agency e-mailed again, only this message contained none of the positive overtures of the first.  In essence, it said that because our legal system had handed down such a light sentence to an American woman who burned her adopted (from Gregory's country) child, Gregory's region would no longer work with American agencies.  The agency did not know how long the closure would last.  They speculated the region might open after Gregory's country ratified the treaty, but could not give us a time frame.  Suddenly the short closure became indefinite and the end of the tunnel disappeared.  And I found myself in total darkness.  

My first reaction mimicked the one from two weeks before.  God's timing is perfect.  I don't need to worry.  My second reaction, not so much.  

I woke up the following day GRIPPED with fear.  I started reading about how some people thought it would only be a few months while others believed it could be years before the region opened up again.  Years?  YEARS?  YEARS, LORD?  REALLY?  In my head, I started to add years to the process, which subsequently added years to Gregory's age.  I realized something I hadn't realized before, that I had a comfort zone when it came to the age of the child we adopted.  For me, in my flesh, my comfort zone is 5.  Any older than that and I worried that we weren't equipped to handle the potential problems that come with a child plucked from an institution and placed into a family.  Feelings of desperation came next.  "Lord," I prayed, "I am SO READY to be a Mom.  I can't wait for years.  I don't even think I can wait months.  I want to be a Mom.  YESTERDAY."  Yeah, day two wasn't pretty.  Thank God for his Grace especially in moments like these.

The beginning of day three wasn't much better.  I think I spent  most of the day obsessing over details.  I frantically thought "If his country opens up on this date then we won't get him here until this date but if they open this date then we probably won't get him here before this date and he'll be this many years old and what if this happens and what if that happens and what if they NEVER open up and what if and what if and what if and WHAT IF..."

Man, we have a Gracious God...

Next came my old friends doubt and indecision.  I have been praying throughout this entire process that God would close the door on Gregory if he is not our son.  Was this God closing the door?  Were we meant to pursue another child?  Did I misread God's direction when I told BJ I believed He was calling us to Gregory?  I was overwhelmed at the possibility that God might be saying yes to any of these questions.  Lord, would you have us de-commit to Gregory?  Would you have us give him up?  Is he not our son?  I couldn't even look at Gregory's picture after that because the thought of de-committing made me sick.  I couldn't stand to think that Gregory would stay even one day longer in that orphanage because of ME.  I felt so...wrenched.  

The end of day three brought a sweet release.  An un-wrenching.  I was sitting in my bible study waiting for it to start when an inexplicable peace washed over me.  I say inexplicable not because I didn't know its source, but because I did nothing to elicit the calm that overcame me.  I didn't feel like going to class, but I went anyway.  I drove to the church, walked in the building, sat down in my seat, and felt the amazing calming Spirit of a powerful God who is in control of EVERYTHING.  I finally came to grips with a few truths:

1.  We didn't have to make an immediate decision.

2.  If God is closing the door on Gregory, He has something better for him and us.

3.  God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.  (If He calls us to Gregory, He will equip us for Gregory no matter how old he is.)  How many times have a I heard this??  And yet I failed to apply it to this situation!  

4.  If God calls us to another child, He will release us from Gregory and we'll know it.  This will not be a guessing game.

I have come to terms with the fact that Gregory may not be ours and I feel ready to release him should it come down to that, but that is not what God is telling us to do yet.  He's telling us to sit tight.  So here we sit.  Ready and willing to do whatever God asks us to do whenever God asks us to do it.  

To all those who have donated or are thinking about donating, rest assured that WE ARE ADOPTING.  Your money WILL help rescue an orphan!  So please don't stop giving.  

I will, of course, keep you all updated.  The elections are in three days so we'll see where it goes after that.  We are praying for God's will in our lives, whatever that may be!  

Thanks for listening.  Talk to you soon!

Love,

Jenn