Hello, friends!
Okay, I'm not going to lie to you; I have purposely
delayed writing this update. Mostly because I had to live out the roller coaster
of emotions in real life before I could lay it out before you here.
As some of you know, we received an e-mail from the
adoption agency several weeks ago explaining that Gregory's region had temporarily
suspended American adoptions pending presidential elections and new adoption treaty
ratification. The agency believed that the country would accept dossiers
again by the end of the month. I did not worry about this for two
reasons:
1. It was a short closure.
2. I believe in God's good and PERFECT
timing.
It's easy to trust in the Lord when you think you
can see the end of the tunnel...
Two weeks later the agency e-mailed again, only this
message contained none of the positive overtures of the first. In essence,
it said that because our legal system had handed down such a light sentence to an
American woman who burned her adopted (from Gregory's country) child,
Gregory's region would no longer work with American agencies. The agency
did not know how long the closure would last. They speculated the region might
open after Gregory's country ratified the treaty, but could not give us a time frame.
Suddenly the short closure became indefinite and the end of the tunnel disappeared.
And I found myself in total darkness.
My first reaction mimicked the one from two weeks before.
God's timing is perfect. I don't need to worry. My second reaction,
not so much.
I woke up the following day GRIPPED with fear. I
started reading about how some people thought it would only be a few months while
others believed it could be years before the region opened up again. Years?
YEARS? YEARS, LORD? REALLY? In my head, I started to add years to
the process, which subsequently added years to Gregory's age. I realized something
I hadn't realized before, that I had a comfort zone when it came to the age of the
child we adopted. For me, in my flesh, my comfort zone is 5. Any
older than that and I worried that we weren't equipped to handle the potential
problems that come with a child plucked from an institution and placed into a family.
Feelings of desperation came next. "Lord," I prayed, "I
am SO READY to be a Mom. I can't wait for years. I don't even think
I can wait months. I want to be a Mom. YESTERDAY." Yeah,
day two wasn't pretty. Thank God for his Grace especially in moments like
these.
The beginning of day three wasn't much better. I think I spent most of the day obsessing over details. I frantically thought "If his country opens up on this
date then we won't get him here until this date but if they open
this date then we probably won't get him here before this date and he'll be this
many years old and what if this happens and what if that happens and what if
they NEVER open up and what if and what if and what if and WHAT IF..."
Man, we have a Gracious God...
Next came my old friends doubt and indecision. I
have been praying throughout this entire process that God would close the door
on Gregory if he is not our son. Was this God closing the door? Were
we meant to pursue another child? Did I misread God's direction when I
told BJ I believed He was calling us to Gregory? I was overwhelmed at the
possibility that God might be saying yes to any of these questions. Lord,
would you have us de-commit to Gregory? Would you have us give him up? Is
he not our son? I couldn't even look at Gregory's picture after
that because the thought of de-committing made me sick. I couldn't stand
to think that Gregory would stay even one day longer in that orphanage because
of ME. I felt so...wrenched.
The end of day three brought a sweet release. An
un-wrenching. I was sitting in my bible study waiting for it to start
when an inexplicable peace washed over me. I say inexplicable not because
I didn't know its source, but because I did nothing to elicit the calm that
overcame me. I didn't feel like going to class, but I went anyway. I
drove to the church, walked in the building, sat down in my seat, and felt the amazing
calming Spirit of a powerful God who is in control of EVERYTHING. I finally
came to grips with a few truths:
1. We didn't have to make an immediate
decision.
2. If God is closing the door on Gregory, He
has something better for him and us.
3. God doesn't call the qualified, He
qualifies the called. (If He calls us to Gregory, He will equip us for Gregory no matter how old he is.) How many times have a I
heard this?? And yet I failed to apply it to this situation!
4. If God calls us to another child, He will
release us from Gregory and we'll know it. This will not be a guessing
game.
I have come to terms with the fact that Gregory may
not be ours and I feel ready to release him should it come down to that, but
that is not what God is telling us to do yet. He's telling us to sit
tight. So here we sit. Ready and willing to do whatever God asks us
to do whenever God asks us to do it.
To all those who have donated or are thinking about
donating, rest assured that WE ARE ADOPTING. Your money WILL help rescue
an orphan! So please don't stop giving.
I will, of course, keep you all updated. The
elections are in three days so we'll see where it goes after that. We are
praying for God's will in our lives, whatever that may be!
Thanks for listening. Talk to you soon!
Love,
Jenn
